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My Cocaine Bliss

A friend of mine called to tell me that she bumped into my ex and as they chatted, she couldn’t help noticing how much he and I resemble each other. She was happy to report that the guy was still single and that he asked about me. I of course listened and gave her my well-rehearsed speech about being too busy chasing paper to think about him. She sounded sad and told me not to worry, she hopes that my ex and I would find a way to make up and if that doesn’t happen, she knows that I will met someone else to share what said ex and I shared if not more.  I quickly hang up to you know, get back to paper chasing. That got me thinking though.

I hope I never get back together with that man and I pray to God that I never love anyone as much as I loved him. I am not skeptical about Love, I know that I was put into this world to love, but if I never feel that way again, I will be content. That man was my best friend, my family, my lover. He was my partner. He was the last person I spoke to before I slept, the first person I thought about when I woke up. He was that safe place that all my thoughts went hiding. He was my therapy. He was my favourite thing to do. The love I had, still have, for that man was pure, obsessive, unreasonable, emotional, consuming, painful, passionate, spiritual. It was everything good thing and every bad thing. It was unhealthy. Nothing ever felt better.

I pray to God that I never feel that way again. I loved it.

My wanting for this man grew stronger every single day of the years I dated him. He shaped the woman I am today and someday when I am old and blind, I will tell my granddaughter about him. I will smile and perhaps shed a tear or two, I will never forget how good this man of my youth made me feel.  I loved him even when I hated him. I would have followed that man through the gates of hell and when I decided to leave, I thought I would die. I wanted to die.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night shaking, staring into nothing and just crying. Every morning when I woke up, it felt someone was ripping my flesh. once I locked myself in my house for a whole weekend and just cried. I wouldn’t talk about the break up with anyone because it was such a raw emotion that the only person I trusted with such information was him, the person who caused it. It was a physical pain almost. I remember the hopelessness, the emptiness, the despair. Losing him was the worst thing I have ever gone through and I knew I would die.

But I didn’t. The pain at the pit of my stomach slowly eased. I stopped started finding little things to make me happy, I started talking to my family. I reading again and somehow, my life started mending. One day i woke up and I was alright. Happy even.

And I am not a skeptic, I can’t wait to meet the man I will marry and I do plan to love him. Just better next time. I want him to be my friend and my partner, not my whole bloody life. I want to be with someone I am happy to go home to, not someone who it hurts to be apart from. I want to love a man who makes me happy. A man I can be rational with. I want a normal, boring, stable.

I hope my ex was the love of my life because I don’t have it in me to go through that again.

Human sitting silhouette in back lighting in tunnel exit (shallow DOF)

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10 thoughts on “My Cocaine Bliss”

  1. I just recently went through a breakup with the love of my life, I thought I was alone with these emotions I was going through, and how I am handling them, but then I read your story, and I swear, you put into words exactly the thoughts and feelings I am currently going through, I would have followed this man into hell, if need be, I have often said tha

    1. That, he was my world and I also cannot talk to any one but him about my pain, I allowed my self to be blindsided when all the signs where there,… Not to dwell to much on it I just wanted to say thank you for telling your story.

  2. Not sure how I even found your blog but I LOVE this post! I pray that you find love again. I’m in my second marriage and even after 7 years with him I still have flutters in my tummy 🙂

  3. what happens when you love too hard i have felt your pain and wouldn’t wish that on anyone you will find a love that is happy and not consuming a love that is meant and not needed but will be both your feelings of the same heart feelings and you will marry this man if you have not already. I’m happily married now took me nearly 5 yrs to totally get over the man i loved so much i share a son with this man my ex but he does not come around for that i’m grateful i would love an update on your future/present. god bless you

  4. Every time i read this post i always wonder if the writter was in mind. If she knew she was penning down everything i went through with Patrick and how much i never ever ever want to love anyone like that.

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