I attended a wedding last weekend and the two of them were so happy. The guy actually shed a tear as he said his vows and she tenderly wiped them with her fingers. That moment broke all our hearts and got me thinking, when I marry, I hope it will be the happiest day of his life. But what do I really want? Do I desire the glamour of the wedding or the everlasting bliss of marriage? I want a marriage but I don’t want a marriage as much as I want a relationship. I want a dirty, raw, unexplainably deep connection with a man who believes in the same things I do, a man who will be my best friend and my biggest cheer leader. Ultimately, it’s not the wedding that matters, it’s the connection. It’s like a deep longing that has been satisfied, like that itch that we are finally able to reach or the long novel that we finish then sit in silence pondering what we’d have done differently had the author thought to include us in the story. It’s like finding something you never knew you were looking for.
I want a love so severe that I will wonder how I ever lived without it. I want him to know me as intimately as he knows himself. I want to build a foundation on a relationship that is deep and that will endure all. That’s the love I want. The heavy kind. The kind that is strong enough to support me and crucial enough to make me want to die if it ever disappears.. See, I want a love that makes me wait until he falls asleep, and wonder if he’s dreaming about us being. I want to sit and honestly wonder who loves the other more. I want to slow dance in the middle of our house to the music of our hearts, closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could hurt so much if he ever left. I want to feel 16 again, to spend hours on the phone not saying shit. I want to get under the covers and smell him all over. I want to celebrate our 40th anniversary and watch our babies get babies. I want to talk to him until I lose my breathe. I want a love so strong that not even death would end it. I want a love so pure that if I ever wake up and he is not there with me, I could lose my memory to keep me from losing my damn mind. I want to meet up with him again in another life, and fall in love with him all over again – In a different language to see if it feels the same. It’s scary as hell, but I will not settle for anything less.
I want someone to come home to, to gossip with, to look at while we laze on the sofa and ask, ‘I m not crazy, am I?’ And no matter what they say, I will be content- blissfully content – with the answer because whether I am nuts or boring, he will be right there with me.
I want a love that frees me, I want an adventurous love. No strings, no traps, just him and I, confident that no matter where life takes us, we will end up in each other’s arms.Intimate.
Unexplainable. That’s the kind of love I want.