Love and Marriage

Posted: October 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

I attended a bridal shower over the weekend and it was like
i had gone back to school. I learned about everything, from why cold water is
better than warm water – after me and said husband get to know each other- to
what to do when the said husband cheats. It was an eye opener. To note was that
when the husband cheats, the best thing to do is to be quiet and pray about it.
One should only confront the said cheat if they are ready to leave. There are
only two possible scenarios when you approach him, he will either come clean,
swearing not to repeat it again, knowing he will get away with it next time.
Or tell you to deal with it. Either way, you end up leaving.

This got me thinking of the marriage tales I have heard. A
friend of mine had been married for 7 years and had 2 kids.  She worked
hard to pay some bills at home, saved for their home, raised the kids and feed the
family. They only had one car and when he wasn’t available, she had no problem
taking a matatu to work. All was well until the day she found out that her
husband had a 20 year old mistress who he kept in a 3 bedroom apartment in
Kileleshwa and bought a Vitz. The 20 year old had no job and no kids.
When confronted, he told her to deal with it. She packed his things and wished
him and his 20 year old the very best. From this friend I learned, that a woman
must learn to move on when a relationship stops working. When a man says that
its over, it almost always is. No matter how painful walking away maybe, it
pales in comparison to the extended and none ending pain and humiliation of not
recognizing that its over. Of constantly trying to get him back. The minute a
woman moves on, the pain starts to move on. And that’s the time he wants
back!!!

My other friend married a married man. I don’t know how
else to say it. She met the married man, dated him for a few years and the man
eventually grew balls and left his wife. He would go ‘out of town’ for business
every weekend and would ‘work late’ almost 4 times a week, showered with his
phone, put his phone in his pajama bottoms at night. You get… It didn’t come
as a complete shock when he packed his things in a little bag and moved in with
my friend.  Fast forward 3 years and 1 daughter later, my friend comes
home from a paid weekend away to an empty house. The guy moved out of the
country while she was away and since he wasn’t supporting his kids from the
previous marriage, the house furniture was auctioned off.  This one taught me to respect karma. It taught
me that God will never give me another womans husband. No matter how smooth and
attractive he seems, he is not mine, he is borrowed, at best. I learned that if
a man cheats with me, he will cheat on me. I learned that Karma is a cold hearted
bitch. I also learned about goodbyes and closure.

I understand that all relationships eventually end, save
for some marriages. Its important to end the relationship honourably, with the
same mindset you had when getting into it if you can. We are all human, and
everyone has feelings. Boys, a girls heart is not your penis, don’t play with
it. If you are no longer interested in her, the least you can do is let her
know before you start dating other people. Don’t put her through the constant
worry and second guessing. Set her free. It’s a matter of decency. It will make you a better man. A big one even.

I have never been married, and from all I hear, I doubt I
will be eager to. Every time i hear of marriage, a woman is getting schooled on
what to do when he cheats, when he starts getting bored. What to do to keep the
spice, how to change your life to accommodate his. How to be his best cook, his
best friend and his favorite whore.  Is
it always about the man? Is he also schooled on what to do when I get bored or
is he only advised to get a brand new one when the old one is bogged down with
the burdens of child birth and housekeeping? Marriage is a scary subject for me;
it’s like going to war each day and sharing my bed with the enemy. I don’t like
marriage and with my track record, I don’t like love either.

I don’t know and I honestly don’t care to learn much about
love, but I do know one thing; Part of the intensity of love is its
vulnerability. Knowing that you are never in control. Knowing that you have
given all of yourself and it can be taken away from you any time. Its life on
the edge. I have felt that vulnerability, most of us have. We opened up our
hearts and as it so often happened, we got burned. Our lovers lied to us or
cheated and now there is only pain, anger and resentment. I am sorry
sometimes isn’t good enough. Sometimes the hurt is too painful, the
infidelities too severe and so the level of spite in us can’t allow us to
forget leave alone forgive. We develop that anger of having been taken
advantage of.  It’s a small consolation of sorts to know that virtually
everyone has gone through that in life, usually more than once. The only sure
way to protect your heart is to never fall in love in the first place. And
that’s not a life worth living!!

Comments
  1. phyllis ongale says:

    am being enlightened.thanx.

  2. collins sikah says:

    well,think this is generalization,not all relationships nor marriages paint grim picture you are portraying,to me being in it is give and take,needs great patience and understandig,no smooth ride thuogh getting new experience and learning news things everyday,you see I’ve never come across any school of love,marriage and relationship,its trial and error from times imemorial,some succeed some fail and thats life,

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