I recently reconnected with a girl who used to be one of my closest friends. Years ago, she and I were inseperable, we dreamt together and planned our lives. I wanted to be a political analysist then, My Mother still believes i one day will. I would write poetry amd dream of reciting one to my husband on our wedding day, i had such a huge crush on Gideon Moi, Man, i would have groupied that man. I was 16 years old, isnt that what 16 year old girls do? Dream of boys and plan out their futures?
The sad thing about my high school friend, lets call her Grace, is that she hasnt changed. To me she hasnt. She wore flat shoes and didnt carry a handbag, i could swear she wasnt wearing perfume. And her boy issues… Grace had a baby with her high school boy who moved to the states and got married. She is raising a baby alone and had just learned that she was pregnant with baby number 2. Baby daddy number 2, is a jobless 25 year old high school educated boy, who beat her up when she told him she was pregnant. Grace was broken because she knew he was the one for her, 2 months, 1 pregnacy and 1 good slapping around later. She knew he was the one.
It broke my heart how time seemed to have stood still for Grace. Why was she still having unprotected sex, why was she not working, why was not she looking to marry a nice boy and make a home, why was she not talking to her bank for a mortgage? Was i the only 25 year old who thought it silly not to carry a handbag? Or trashy to wear cheap perfume? I am too old for my age? Are all girls my age getting beaten on by useless little boys and taking it?
She wanted to meet with me so that i could lend her some money. Said she would pay back in a few months. I sat there and listened, empathetically of course, and asked her how much she needed. Grace wanted Kshs 2,000 from me. Really, Ksh 2,000. She had gone to the trouble of telling me, an ex friend she hadnt talked to in years, about her drama for Ksh 2,000 bob? I am a little arrogant but i know what it feels like to be broke, but all that for 2k? As a matter of principal, i don’t lend my friends money and i am grateful that most of them dont ask me for it. But i gave her the money anyways. A few drinks later, i realized that i had changed. Looking at Grace looking at me, i could tell she knew it too. And she wasnt entirely happy about it. I on the other hand, was delirious about it.
I have changed. Well,here’s the truth. I grew up, I stopped dreaming of a political career and started building my marketing one. I started paying rent and taxes. I grew up and i stopped letting people push me around all the time. I learned that you can’t always be happy. I accepted reality. Whatever mistakes i have made along the way i use as a stepping stone on my way up. I grew up and started facing my demons head on. Its been blood and sweat for me. It still is. I still fall for boys who dont deserve me and each time said boy makes me cry, i make a note to self, never to let a useless boy bring me down again. I get broke at times and as i walk to the bank to ask for a mkopo wa salo, i make a note to self, to plan better and save for rainy days. Sometimes i feel inadequate, like i am not good enough and when i do, i make a note to self, to either change my situation or bitch up and live with it.
See life is hard and the sad realization as i grow up is that no one is coming to the rescus. What ever I become is entirely up to me. If i dont fight for me, no one will and no one should. Believe it or not, none of us is a virgin, life screws us all and just because we look put together, doesnt mean we dont know how its like to crumble. It’s inevitable that when you play the game of life, you’ll occasionally be dealt a bad hand. But as any real winner knows, your experience of life will come down to how you play the hand you’re dealt. Poker players sometimes emerge victorious even when they have terrible cards because of their ability to maintain their composure.
This is my proven life formula. Whe shit hits the fan, let the dust settle and then move on. Never regret a single thing in life. Learn your strengths and your weaknesses, thats the only way you will know who you are. Dont be afraid of battle wounds, you’re flaws make you an individual. When a lover hurts you, dont hurt them back, move on and let Karma have a field day. Never live your life in fear, do what you must, whatever doesnt kill you makes you a nijja. Nothing comes easy, nothing. And when its easy, you will later learn it was never worth having. The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it but that it is too low and we reach it. Rise in the morning with the spirit you had known in your childhood. That spirit of eagerness and adventure and certainty.
I am not perfect, but i am doing all i can to ensure that i am happy. At the end of the day when I crawl into bed and all the lights go out, my thoughts and dreams finally rise to the surface. Yes, I’m a little bruised, slightly broken, and permanently scarred but I’m still here aren’t I? I’m still fighting, I’m still waking up everyday to go through it all over again. This life may be hard as hell but It’s still a gift and I’m going to live every moment of it.
Moral of this story; If you have been holding on to many unnecessary people, let them go. If you have been clinging on to some old memories for too long, let the past go. If you have been holding on to a bad partner hoping that they will change some day, let them go. If you have been haunted and bound by past mistakes, it’s time to let them go. If you have been holding on to hate, regret or old grudges, let that drama go. If you have been afraid and stopping yourself from being who you truly are for too long, let all that self-doubt go. If you have been insecure of your abilities and afraid to take risks for too long, let go of the loser mentality. It’s time to let it all go and prepare your soul for a new life that is waiting for you!
Life is not for sissy’. Grow the fuck up!!!