How I’ve missed you my Love

I have missed writing so damn much. Ad reading. But writing more than anything else. I have lived so much and learned so much in the last couple of years that i am not even sure where to begin. I am not even sure about the parts of my life and lessons I want to share, so please be kind with me as i attempt to navigate.

Short of this, I am a back and will start publishing each week.



My Cocaine Bliss

A friend of mine called to tell me that she bumped into my ex and as they chatted, she couldn’t help noticing how much he and I resemble each other. She was happy to report that the guy was still single and that he asked about me. I of course listened and gave her my well-rehearsed speech about being too busy chasing paper to think about him. She sounded sad and told me not to worry, she hopes that my ex and I would find a way to make up and if that doesn’t happen, she knows that I will met someone else to share what said ex and I shared if not more.  I quickly hang up to you know, get back to paper chasing. That got me thinking though.

I hope I never get back together with that man and I pray to God that I never love anyone as much as I loved him. I am not skeptical about Love, I know that I was put into this world to love, but if I never feel that way again, I will be content. That man was my best friend, my family, my lover. He was my partner. He was the last person I spoke to before I slept, the first person I thought about when I woke up. He was that safe place that all my thoughts went hiding. He was my therapy. He was my favourite thing to do. The love I had, still have, for that man was pure, obsessive, unreasonable, emotional, consuming, painful, passionate, spiritual. It was everything good thing and every bad thing. It was unhealthy. Nothing ever felt better.

I pray to God that I never feel that way again. I loved it.

My wanting for this man grew stronger every single day of the years I dated him. He shaped the woman I am today and someday when I am old and blind, I will tell my granddaughter about him. I will smile and perhaps shed a tear or two, I will never forget how good this man of my youth made me feel.  I loved him even when I hated him. I would have followed that man through the gates of hell and when I decided to leave, I thought I would die. I wanted to die.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night shaking, staring into nothing and just crying. Every morning when I woke up, it felt someone was ripping my flesh. once I locked myself in my house for a whole weekend and just cried. I wouldn’t talk about the break up with anyone because it was such a raw emotion that the only person I trusted with such information was him, the person who caused it. It was a physical pain almost. I remember the hopelessness, the emptiness, the despair. Losing him was the worst thing I have ever gone through and I knew I would die.

But I didn’t. The pain at the pit of my stomach slowly eased. I stopped started finding little things to make me happy, I started talking to my family. I reading again and somehow, my life started mending. One day i woke up and I was alright. Happy even.

And I am not a skeptic, I can’t wait to meet the man I will marry and I do plan to love him. Just better next time. I want him to be my friend and my partner, not my whole bloody life. I want to be with someone I am happy to go home to, not someone who it hurts to be apart from. I want to love a man who makes me happy. A man I can be rational with. I want a normal, boring, stable.

I hope my ex was the love of my life because I don’t have it in me to go through that again.

Human sitting silhouette in back lighting in tunnel exit (shallow DOF)


Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

Being 22yrs old and reading ‘ I know why the Caged Bird Sings’ changed me. Dr.Maya Angelou was indeed a phenomenal woman. May her soul rest in eternal peace. 
Maya Angelou
“Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.”
Dr. Maya Angelou , April 4th 1928 – May 28th 2014
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Why All Men Cheat on Loyal Women – By Ebrahim Aseem

When I confessed to my EX’s questioning of my fidelity over a year ago, all she could say was “wow”. She seemed very taken aback by my answer. So today, when I was asked ‘why men cheat’ by a young lady during a Public Speaking event, I was initial hesitant to share the full conversation me and my EX had about her suspicion of my lack of loyalty.

“Can you tell me why all men cheat on loyal Women?” a curly haired PreMed student asked me today, during my public speak to a room full of 300 Women. My response to her question was,

“Males cheat on loyal women to boost their ego. A woman can be perfect for him. Beautiful, career minded, own money, cooks, does whatever he wants her to do in bed, loyal, intelligent, educated, faithful and yet, he will still cheat on her with an ugly, kangaroo looking girl every time. But why?

How a male treats a woman is NOT a reflection of HER worth. Nor is it a reflection on anything she LACKS or is not doing. An overly macho, mentally weak, sensitive-minded male knows he does not DESERVE a strong minded woman. In his mind, he thinks one day she will mentally awaken to the realization she deserves better than him & leave him. This is why males cheat on a woman, to have POWER over her. He cheats on her to boost his ego.

Most “males” are more insecure than women. Notice I referred to a “male” and not a “man”, as there is a distinct difference. Many males have VERY low self esteem. You can tell, that’s why he says, “I only fuck with bad bitches”. He is saying this to convince himself, attempting to drown out his insecurities that are on repeat inside of his own mind.

By cheating on a good woman, it makes a weak minded male feel he has POWER over her. It makes him feel he is worth more than her. A male knows if he cheats on a loyal woman, she will care about him more. Yes, initially she will be shocked a man has the audacity to cheat on her, especially with an UGLY woman. No, not merely “physically” ugly, no. The word UGLY describes the particular amount of compassion, sweetness and being genuine and nurturing the woman he cheats with lacks.

A woman whose loyalty is taken for granted will question herself like:
“what is wrong with me?
Am I not I’m pretty enough?
Is my ass not curvy and fat enough for him?
Is my stomach not slim enough for him?
Is it because I won’t let him bring another girl in the bedroom with us?
Is it my smart mouth?
Is it that I’m always “over emotional” like he complains?
What aren’t I doing right?
Should I do more?”

Then she will try to stay with him to PROVE to him she is better than the girl he cheated on her with. To prove to herself she can fight for love and can help him by help changing a bad boy into a good man, fooling herself. This is reverse psychology. A weak minded male just got a Good Woman to mentally submit herself to a mentally immature man, purely by cheating on her. Males use cheating to TRICK a good woman into SETTLING for him. But this mind game many males play cannot and will not work on a Loyal woman who knows her WORTH.

I learned as Men, we must realize that ONE woman who holds us down and stays by our side, after we cheat on her, lie to her, hurt her, use her and disrespect her over & over & over, she is NOT loyal. She is WEAK. She is poisonous. She will hold back your growth as a Man. Don’t be fooled & think a girl telling you what you want to hear is loyalty.

As a mentally mature Man, we need a Woman who will be genuine with us at all times, even if that means she speaks her mind to the point her words pierce us and her tone appears to be “smart mouthed”. In reality, she’s not being “smart mouthed’ she’s being a Queen mentality strong enough to verbally ascend to her thrown.

a Loyal, Strong Minded Woman will speak her mind, regardless of what anyone thinks. Tell us the TRUTH. Tell us when we are WRONG. A Loyal woman will not allow us to hurt her multiple times & still accept us. That is NOT loyalty. Not at all. That is Pacifying. Babying. Appeasing.

A Loyal Woman will be loyal to your MANHOOD, not loyal to your EGO. A Loyal Woman will tell us the TRUTH, even if that means she might LOSE us. A Loyal Woman will tell us when our shitstinks, even if it makes us mad. A mentally mature man does not want a YES woman. Trust me. We don’t want a girl who will LET us hurt you and abuse you over & over & still accept us back, simply because you keep being told through Instagram Memes that real love must be suffered through and fought for. If she still stays with us after we prove to her time and time again that we genuinely aren’t strong enough as a man to keep her consistently happy in a relationship, it means she doesn’t really care about us as a man. She only cares about how we make her feel sexually. She is dickdizzy.

When a Woman truly LOVES a man, she loves him at his BEST, not settling for his worst. She wants us to BE the MAN who we were destined to be by the Holy Spirit. A man who can speak life into a woman, erase her insecurities, and shower her with loyalty and consistence. A loyal woman will tell her man to get his lazy ass up, get a job & pursue his dreams. A Loyal Woman will not allow a man to live off her. A Loyal Woman will not baby a man by working a job herself, while he sits his lazy ass in her house all day, playing XBOX and eating Lucky Charms and Pop Tarts raw.

A Loyal Woman will not allow a man to talk down to her & disrespect her like she’s any girl, because she knows a mentally mature man DESERVES a Strong Minded Woman. A Loyal Woman will not allow a man to refer to her as a Bitch, Bad Bitch, Boss Bitch, My Bitch, Wifey Bitch, because she knows we deserve a Queen who has integrity.

A Loyal Woman will not allow a male to FORCE her to get an abortion, or let him off the hook for abandoning her after getting her pregnant, because she knows we DESERVE to be a Father, not a Baby Daddy. A Loyal Woman will not tell a man what he wants to hear, she will feed him wisdom he NEEDS to hear and not be scared to do to it, because she is Loyal to his inner king, which is his spirit. A Loyal Woman will not allow a man to cheat on her over & over, leave her, then come crawling his cheating ass back after he had sex with every girl in the neighborhood, 11 of his followers on twitter, every girl who liked the pick of his “are you DTF or nah?” meme on his Instagram page. No, because she knows her worth.

Just as I speak to you women today, I speak life into young men as well, and I tell them to carry themselves as a KING, to hold their head high and never settle for a WEAK woman, when he deserves a Strong Queen like you young women. Yes, a WEAK Woman may always tell a man that he is right, yes she will let him use her, yes she will give him her money to pay his phone bill that is in his mother’s name, and she will give him her money without him even having to ask, but; she can never make him a better man and she can never love him like, a loyal woman can.

I made a huge mistake committing myself to a weak minded woman before, and that woman was my ex. Last year after I broke up with her, she asked me if I ever cheated on her, as she always suspected. I told her the truth and confessed, “I have never cheated on you or any woman, and I have never been unfaithful in any relationship.”

After my confession, all she could say was, “wow”, because it is commonly assumed all men cheat, yet this is completely false. I could agree all males cheat, at some point in their life, but a “Man” not a “male” but a man knows if he cheats, he would be not only cheating on a good woman, he would be cheating himself out of allowing a loyal woman to help mold him into a king.

Many people argue men cheat, because his woman will not do what his women on the side will, but he would never even consider the option of having women on the side if he deserved her in the first place. Some men are genuinely not ready for a relationship. To force one with him is only creating a relationship death wish. The idea that men are incapable of being monogamous is false.

I enjoy going on dates, flirting, courting and enjoy my single life, but in the back of my mind, I’m looking for a WIFE. I have ZERO interest in having side HOES or “fans”. I don’t need to have sex with every beautiful woman I meet to prove how much of a “man” I am. My loyalty, monogamy, spirituality & mental maturity proves that.

Each woman I meet, I’m looking to see if she is Wife Material. Because I know I am Husband material. My mother raised a future husband, not a hoe. I choose to be celibate while single, because my mother raised me to be a father and not a baby daddy. I live my life this way as proof that loyal men do indeed exist.

I have to admit, I am extremely picky and I know what a want in a woman. I want a woman who is as strong minded as me. I must admit I love a woman with a smart mouth who will speak her mind, yet knows that my masculinity and romantic aggression will always demand her respect, so she never verbally disrespects me. I love a woman who is spiritual. I love a woman who loves to shop & dress her ass of. It makes me want to spoil her with new heels every payday to keep her shoe game on point.

I enjoy the single life, but I have to admit, I miss having a girlfriend to SPOIL. To show off. To take shopping to the mall before our dinner date. Waiting an hour outside her house knowing she’s getting her hair right, eye lashes long, eye brows perfect, make-up on point just for me. I miss buying those Mani/Pedi gift cards that come in the cute lil box & surprising her with it to make sure my woman’s feet & nails stay on point.

I miss taking the SAME LOYAL WOMAN out every weekend, on spontaneous dates to the gun range, laser tag, in door bungee jumping, rock climbing, wine tasting, on a tropical cruise, snorkeling with dolphins or just to the beach for a walk on the sand after a I cook her lunch, fried chicken, bbq wings, potato salad, pesto pasta, fresh lemonade & peach cobbler I made just for us.

I miss having the SAME LOYAL WOMAN to cook for every day, to have in the kitchen teaching her to cook, then putting an ice cube down her back & laughing, play food fighting, then chasing her around my house
searching for her all around, only to find her laying in my bed, ready for me to trEAT her like food.

I miss making love to the SAME LOYAL WOMAN, texting the SAME GIRL all day, & never getting tired of hitting her with my hilarious vulgar humor and deep intellectual conversation. Being hilarious, making her laugh her ass off to the point her stomach hurts from how much I am making her laugh. I miss hearing the SAME VOICE every night before I go to sleep, hearing her cheese at the sound of my DEEP voice. I miss being a provider for the SAME LOYAL WOMAN, being her rock, someone she can tell all her problems to, vent to and then give her some sound advice, speaking life into my woman to make her feel better.

I miss giving those full body deep tissue massages after her long day. I miss having that ONE I can bring around my moms & sisters, to family events, so everyone knows she’s mine. I miss having that ONE to pray with, to cuddle up & read the bible with. I enjoy being Single, but honestly, I’d be willing to be loyal in a relationship if I found the ONE worth committing to. This is how mentally mature men feel. Yes all males may cheat, but a mentally mature man knows nothing can sharpen his iron and no one can mold him into a king other than a loyal woman.”

After I finished speaking, the young women really humbled me, as so many of them personally thanked me for writing “Why the hell am I still dating Black Women.” I never intended that piece to become an article. I was just venting off an extremely disgusting experience I had at a barbershop.

I want all my young kings to know they deserve a loyal woman, not a fast girl. We as men need to do much better. Lets be the men we want our sisters to marry, the men we want our daughters one day to be wifed by. Being a good man really is not that hard young kings.

All a Loyal Woman really wants from us as a man is us our attention. That’s all. And that’s not asking a lot at all. Don’t make her feel crazy for wanting us to give her consistency. Don’t have her second guessing if it’s too early to for her to expect us to be loyal, caring and faithful to her. It’s not. Not at all.

If we like her, if we want to spend time with her in any way, she DESERVES our undivided attention. Not half of our attention on her, and half on every other girl on these social networks. My sister said a man doesn’t deserve her time if we are not willing to give her our consistent attention. You may think that is a lot to ask but remember, in order to posses a treasure, one must in return give up what the treasure is WORTH. Loyalty.



Wife, Woman, Friend – Part 1

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that my beginning was his end; after all, we were just friends. Although in my world, I was his girl, so I would pretend to be his wife, saying shit like, ‘Its only so many years in a woman’s life’, right, so I gave him 3. Yet he had the Audacity to step to me with this Donnell Jones I don’t know where I want to be type of shit??!!!!

Yo, it wasn’t supposed to be like this!! He hit me with the forehead kiss and told me that life was a journey and he was ready to explore this shit. And I was pissed. To me he was a hypocrite, like a fake preacher in the pulpit and he left me sick. And no he didn’t choose me, that doesn’t make him right or wrong. And just because he was the epitome of my life, that doesn’t make me right or wrong. Like I said, I was his friend, not his wife. And I should have acted within that capacity and maybe then this breakup would have been ‘One of those things’ instead of a fucking tragedy.

And all that time I spent mad at him, hell, I should have been mad at me. After all, I was the one who gave him the key to my house and let him hang his clothes in my closet, just in case we go out. Not to mention washing all his dirty clothes just to make a full load and letting him finish all the left overs just so the food don’t  go old. For the times that we rolled raw cause he lost all the rubber and though I showed him more support than his own father, mother, brother and sister. And just cause those same people would dial my number when they trying to get in touch and he lists his mail in my address just cause he be here so much. Got total control of the remote control to the TV, DVD and Radio. And even though his name was not on my lease, he got shit in my house that’s off limit to me, like his side of my bed and his stash of weed.

But none of this obligates him to me. Because not once did we exchange vows. And if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have listened when he said there was some shit he needed to get out his system. But see I was too busy bitching, jumping, being like I was going to hit him. Cause in the back of my mind, all I could fathom was how much I was going to miss him. But just because I’m crying y’all, don’t mean I’m the victim. Just means I was scared to let him go cause some other chic might get him. And that was my fault because it was my decision. I should have never put my heart in my minds position. But I couldn’t shake him; he was like a bad habit.

And all this for a nigga that was just average doing average nigga shit. Like talking out the corner of his neck and thinking with his dick. But I must admit he is the one I wanted to commit to. So either I wasn’t living up to my full potential or I was just an ordinary chic. But I choose to believe I was a woman caught up in a feeling that was both physical and emotional, who was way too willing to give her all to a man. And though it may sound stupid, guess what? I would do it all again, just , next time for my husband and not that nigga I call my friend.


Dana Gilmore


On Faith and Religion

I know religion is a touchy subject, but, this is worth a read.


Religion has been one of the most polarising subjects known to man since the beginning of time. What is the true religion? Does it make logical sense to live your life based on faith? Is it possible to be moral without religion? Does God really exist? And if He does, why does humanity go through so much pain and suffering?


In my opinion, God does exist. Our concept of how He exists, however, is questionable at best. Different people, through their different faiths, have different ideas of who God is, where He dwells, how He works and the afterlife. I believe God is closer to you than you think. I also believe your faith/religion has absolutely no bearing on who God is, how He works or where He lives.


Let’s look at some questions:


1)   Why is there so much suffering in the world if God exists

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Love for Marriage

My mother once told me to marry a man who loved me more than I could possibly love him. As a girl, I thought it silly, why would I want to wake up next to a man I didn’t love? I have dated a man I could jump off a cliff for. I was the more affectionate, wanted to kiss him all the time, be lovey dovey with him. I consumed myself trying to make him realize that I loved him, loved him more than I loved myself. All I got from him was emotional abuse of every form . He treated me like the gum on the bottom of his shoes and that made me love him with more intensity. Hoping that if I loved him more, supported him enough, stayed longer, maybe he would love me back, maybe he would appreciate me. What a silly cliché little girl I was. As a grown woman I now realize what my mother and women before her know; A woman should marry the man who would take a bullet for her, who thinks the sun rises and sets on her ass, a man who would drink her bath water.

God seems to agree…. The bible tells us in 1 John 4:19 ‘Christ loved us first and laid down his life as a necessary sacrificial gesture of his love for his “wife” the church. This He did in the hopes that when we fully understand and appreciate His love for us which He showed not by words but by His sacrificial gesture we would in response become loving beings; Loving God and everyone around us (including our enemies, as the bible commands).  In Ephesians 5; 25-33, the bible says and I quote, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”.  Nowhere in the bible is it commanded for a woman to love her husband. Women are commanded to respect and be submissive to their husbands.  Obey, not love.  

I know I come off selfish but the real issue with love is vulnerability, the need to be secure enough to give everything to that one person knowing that they also give you everything. No one wants to be with someone who is just ‘with’ them; no one wants to feel used or taken for granted. Man or woman, no one wants to be the fool in love. I don’t think a man would want to stay with a woman he clearly was more invested in than she was in him. I am not saying don’t love him at all, rather, try to find a man who is more vested in you than you are in him so that the threat of heartbreak is lessened.

No relationship is ever going to be 50/50, but when a woman is loved, she learns to love.